Fear

I've had a hard time wanting to write on the blog lately. I've actually been processing some strong emotions, associated with our trip, and or preparations for the trip. I didn't write, out of fear that my emotions would skew reality, and have waited to talk about things.

I'm afraid of going to India. I'm not afraid of the work Will and I are going to do, or the people we are going to spend time with. I'm afraid of the unknown, especially about the extreme poverty over in India. I haven't spent much time outside of the states, other than our honeymoon in Costa Rica, where I was overwhelmed by the poverty I saw there. India is MUCH bigger than Costa Rica, and so I assume, and have read, that the poverty there is immense. Here in Philadelphia, I know how to talk to the folks in need that I meet on the streets, and I even feel comfortable responding to their request of money or food. However, here in the states I usually only encounter one or two homeless people at a time, where in India I will be bombarded with impoverished people, and I'm afraid that I wont know how to respond properly. How do I respond? How do I treat this community with dignity, and create clear boundaries based on my own limitations of being able to help?

While carrying this fear over the past few months, Will and I also started our 15 week training course. I had hoped that the training course would take away some of my fears. Sadly, so far I have only learned the history of service, and the statistics about the great needs we have in third world countries around the world. Each week I came home more and more frustrated, feeling unsatisfied with the information I was getting. I kept saying to myself "I know we are all called to do service, in our immediate communities, and in those around the world. Stop telling me that I need to help, tell me how to help!". On top of this frustration, I was also annoyed that we had yet to discuss women and the rich history of the work that they have done around the world. We have mostly heard about white men, and their work, with a quick reference to women sometime around our 6Th week of classes. Finally this past week a woman came to speak in our class. I, along with the other half of my classmates who are women, were THRILLED to finally have a woman speaking to us in class. Our speaker shared how she felt called to do service in India, how she raised a family there, and how she dealt specifically with cultural differences surrounding women here in the states and those in Indonesia.

This past week, God heard my cry of fear and frustration surrounding all of this, as did my sweet husband Will. It is now obvious that I won't get all of my needs met in our training course, but we do have many resources in our community in Philadelphia who have been to India, or have connections there. Our good friends Steve and Julie, along with their many family members who have served abroad, are taking the time to answer my questions over email, and on the phone. Wonderfully, along with the female speaker yesterday, God directed Will and I to a gentleman in our training class who had spent time in Dehradun, and who's brother lives in Delhi, but is currently just up in NYC. It's such an amazing feeling to know that God truly sees us at our whits end, and bring a flood of love and peace to calm our hearts.

Please continue to pray for me in this area, as I grow and learn to ask for help, rather than wallow in my own fears.

A quick praise, before I sign off. As of today Will and I have received almost $2500 in financial support for our work in India. This is HUGE for us, as it means we are close to being able to purchase our plane tickets, our biggest expense. We are hand writing notes to thank those who have shared so generously, but just wanted to say thanks to all who are helping us make this trip possible.

Peace to you all,

Lauren